How to Improve Relationship Communication

Apr 27

Ways to Improve Communication in Relationship, from a New York City Couples Therapist

Often in therapy, I witness someone desperately craving validation, empathy or acknowledgment from their loved ones.

Isn’t that what we all want?

When we are in a crises or feeling less than ideal, we are not expecting our people to fix it. We just want someone we love, that loves us, to sit with us in it.

And yet, this simple, utterly human experience can go so wrong so often. It makes sense. When we see someone we love suffering, it’s unbearable. Thinking of ways to make it better is usually the first place we go to.

To add insult to injury, not many people know exactly what validation looks and sounds like. We weren’t taught how to empathize, validate or acknowledge in school or by our caregivers and so most of us aren’t well-practiced. In fact, we may have been taught or modeled the exact opposite i.e. to get over it, push through or quit our bellyaching.

Validation can sound like, “I can see what you mean by that. That makes a ton of sense” or “No, you’re not being too sensitive.”

Empathy can sound like, “Wow, that really sucks.” or “I know how you feel. I’ve been there.”

Acknowledgment can sound like, “I’ve noticed how hard you’ve been working these past few weeks.” or “I noticed how hard it was for you to not get involved but I really appreciate that you let me handle it.”

No one wants unsolicited advice

Now you may be thinking: Ok, I did that. Now what? Can I give advice now?

Maybe you’re jonesing to say something like: “Wow, that really sucks. Have you tried talking to your boss?”

We think we are being helpful when we start to go into problem solving (and sometimes we genuinely are helping) but often times, people just want to feel heard and understood. In fact, I can’t think of a single session where a client asked for more problem solving and less empathy.

The answer to that feeling of Okay, now what? is nothing. That’s all there is.

Try and practice letting your empathy be the only thing you give someone when you respond. When we move too quickly to “have you tried…” or “look on the bright side…” we can actually end up negating the power of that empathic response. And then, as we’ve been talking, giving them our very best problem solving, our top-shelf ideas, and all of a sudden, we see our partner’s eyes start to glaze over and we think, Are they even listening?? How many times have we talked about this and don’t they see that if they just x,y,z-ed, it would be better!

There are so many times in sessions where people have said the thing their partner wanted to hear but because they kept going and switched into problem solving or worse, blaming, it falls short. It’s often because we didn’t let the empathy take up enough space. Most of the time, we need to stay longer in empathy. This isn’t necessarily repeating the same empathic response over and over. Maybe it’s asking a question to better understand.

“That frustration you mentioned - what does it feel like? Have you felt it before?”

A question like this signals to your partner or family member that not only do you care but you want to learn more to understand their experience. If you’re having trouble, pretend you’re a student tasked with writing a paper on your partner’s current experience: what questions would you want to ask to become a mini expert in the subject?

Ask for what you need

Often times I get asked by clients, how will I know what my partner/family member needs? My response is always to ask them. As the person in need, we rarely stop to think about what we need. Asking simply, “Do you need empathy or do you need problem solving in this moment?” can set both people up for success - both to give and to receive.

Interested in learning more about what empathy can look and sound like? Check out this cartoon narrated by Brené Brown and illustrated by Katy Davis.

https://brenebrown.com/videos/rsa-short-empathy/#close-popup