Living Alone Helped Me Learn How to Build Community in NYC
How to Build CommunityFinding Belonging in a Big City
Moving to a new city—or even just a new apartment—can feel isolating, especially when you're living alone. But what if solitude could be the very thing that unlocks your sense of belonging? In this reflection on building community in NYC, I share how living alone unexpectedly became the foundation for forming deep connections, spontaneous hangouts, and chosen family. Whether you're craving connection, starting over, or just feeling lonely in a big city, this story is here to remind you: community is closer than you think.
Moments That Made This Apartment a Home
I lock myself out of my new apartment while chicken stock is simmering away on the stove. I can hear Charlie barking on the other side of the door. I knock on my friend’s apartment door who happens to live next door. She hands me her crocs because I’m shoeless and calls a locksmith because I’m phoneless. I’m comforted by her maximum efficiency.
The woman who lives next door opens her front door. “Which one of you just moved in?” “Me!” I say cheerfully. “Stop slamming the door so hard!” She grumbles.
My friend and I chat in the hallway and plan to have a cocktail party once my couch comes. Our maintenance man breaks me back in. She cancels the locksmith for me. I place a mug of warm stock outside her apartment door as thanks.
My two oldest childhood friends come over the morning after I move. My friend’s son watches cartoons on my mattress. I heat up the pot pie she brought in the microwave. We all gather around it on the wooden floor, smearing chucks of cheese on a baguette. We discuss where my couch should go. Her artwork hangs above my new green velvet headboard.
A friend brought me eucalyptus to hang in my shower. Everyday it reminds me to make something as commonplace as a shower something magical. Three fancy olive oils are lined up in a row: from me, my ex husband and my mom. My aunts Tarkays are propped up every room. My grandma’s picture on my bookcase.
A free cup of masala chai on my way to the farmers market. Follow me on Instagram, the man serving Chai says. Your sign is upside down, I say. I pass by my new favorite coffee shop and introduce myself to the barista. He tells me to get the smoked spaghetti at the bistro next door.
I make a mental note to bring my knives to get sharpened in the tiny truck parked outside the market. I buy a dog treat for Charlie to enjoy when Off Leash hours are over. I tell him I love him as we walk, he looks up at me smiling and I wonder if he understands.
Looking forward to having no plans, I climb in bed later that night. A text comes in: “Want to come over?” It’s the third night of Hanukkah. I bundle up for a 6 min ebike ride to my friends home blasting Nirvana. I feel 11 years old again. I make placecards with the kids to put on the table. I feel belonging looking at my placard next to this chosen family. We eat latkes, coquito and sufganiyot that I brought from my local bakery. We discuss dating apps and who is looking for what. We plan New Years Eve.
“Boss!” The Verizon guy who came to set up my internet yells at me, (Me? I’m Boss?)
“Have you been to all of these countries?” He’s gesturing to the globe my sister brought me back from an art show, pins stuck in the places that I’ve travelled to. I make a mental note to go somewhere soon even though I know wherever I am right now is where I need to be.
My mom tells me on the day after Christmas to buy whatever plants I want to bring back to my apartment. I grab a plant that I can already tell is a diva named Sheila. I grab tulips and sunflowers too. We sit, silently slurping spicy Langzhou beef soup, exhausted from a trip to Industry City where I impulsively buy a 40% ofdining set. It arrives in the same amount of time it takes us to get back home. I set up the sunflowers and new puzzle on it that my neighbors left outside my door. Sheila dies a week later.
At lunch the next day, the girl sitting next to me at the bar already had my number in her phone. We met a choir practice two months ago, she was with her sister. I saw her sister the day I put an offer on my house, considering it a good omen. She plans to invite me to her next dance party. The man bartending I met the week before carolling in the neighborhood. Our last stop of the evening was to the women’s house who started the tradition 56 years before.
While on a date, my ex sends me a picture of the same restaurant the next day. Guess where I am", he says.
Have the chicken, I say, but add salt. I feel comforted by the type, texture and strength of the string that still connects us.
Looking forward to having no plans, I climb in bed. Twenty minutes later, my girlfriend texts me, Want to get a drink? I put socks on and meet her ten minutes later at the neighborhood bar. I meet her favorite bartender and wonder if he’ll become mine too. Joe Jonas is at the next bar, surrounded by his friends. No one cares, and I feel proud to be a New Yorker because of it.
“Spontaneous hang?” my friend texts me the next morning for a brisk walk in the frigid cold. We don’t have to say where we’re meeting, we already know.
My niece wakes me up every day at 7:30 to have breakfast with me on FaceTime. We wave at each other silently while she eats blueberries one at a time, spitting out the skins. “Em!” she yells at me and tries to feed me berries through the phone. My sister tells me what developmental milestones she’s reached this morning before we both begin our day. We agree to take the same Peloton class at noon where we high five each other like maniacs.
Learning How To Build Community
I told my therapist multiple times last year I desperately wanted to build community. Working alone, for myself, by myself - it’s not sustainable, I’d say. I could not believe I was also going to live alone, soon. But now I see —
Living alone built me the exact community I wanted. The one I always knew was here. If I just opened my door to it.
How to Build CommunityReady to Build Deeper Community in Your Life?
If this reflection on how I learnt to build community resonated with you, you're not alone. So many of us are longing for connection, but unsure where to start.
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Because you deserve a life filled with people who feel like home.
