We’re at a point in our culture where people are the most informed consumers of therapy. Not only do we know mental health is important, but we know the buzzwords to describe our realities. When people call me to schedule a free consult, they include their attachment style in their description of why they want to start therapy. They tell me they are enmeshed in their families, that they struggle with people pleasing. That they fear their parents are narcissists. They know what they need, or at least have built awareness around the patterns they struggle with.
Knowledge is power and this widespread increase in awareness is a largely wonderful thing. Except when this knowledge is used to maintain and exert power.
Sometimes, therapy speak becomes a tool for emotional manipulation in relationships. Someone may know how to discuss attachment styles, boundaries, emotional regulation, and trauma while remaining unwilling to take accountability for their own behavior. This disconnect is particularly confusing when someone identifies as a feminist, emotionally intelligent, or deeply committed to personal growth. The question becomes: how do we distinguish genuine emotional maturity from someone who has simply learned the right language?
What is performative feminism in relationships?
More than ever before, I am having conversations with women who are experiencing a new crop of men who are loud and proud about their feminist allyship and the mental health and emotional literacy that comes with it. They have the terminology down. They can name all their emotions. They know what boundaries are and that empathy is attractive. They have a basic understanding of narcissism. They were appalled by the findings of the Me Too movement. They even know how their childhood trauma shows up in their adult relationships.
In fact, putting on your dating profile that you are in therapy or a feminist seems to be as ubiquitous these days as: “I’m 6’1”…if that matters.” It’s this cultural moment’s bait for matches, the new peacock mating dance, but this time the turquoise feathery plumes are therapy buzzwords sprinkled in conversations.
‘Where have you been!?’ We say to them. ‘He’s one of the good ones,’ we brag to our girlfriends.
And yet, when I sit with the women who are the recipients of this performative virtue signaling, the pattern looks the same over time. It starts off as awe and glee that this man exists. Maybe there ARE good ones, they think. Thank god, we knew there were and here one is and he wants to be with me! Then, over time, when the courtship ends and they come out of the bubblegum-pink haze of the honeymoon phase, they slowly notice that the words don’t match the actions. They start writing long monologues in their notes app, rehashing the facts of the relationship, trying to make sense of their cognitive dissonance. They become sleuths with their gaggle of girlfriends, trying to figure him out. They stop spending time on themselves and their goals and begin to spend most of their time analyzing the relationship, emotionally and psychologically pouring their precious energy into figuring him out to make it work. For people with histories of relational trauma, this kind of uncertainty can feel particularly consuming. When love has previously required vigilance, accommodation, or repeated attempts to earn someone's care, trying to make sense of an inconsistent partner can become an all-too-familiar emotional task.
Wracked with anxiety, they say: He’s saying all the right things. He takes my hand in his when we have a disagreement. He vows to do better. I believe him. And yet, we’re right back here, having the same conversation, again and again about what needs to change. He hears me and then….nothing happens. Am I going crazy?
How do we hold two sides of the same person that seem to be contradicting each other? He says he’s a feminist but he never asked for consent. He says he’s a feminist but he gets angry if I ask too many questions that feel prying. He says he’s a feminist but I’m exhausted from doing the lion’s share of the household labor. He says he’s a feminist but tells me I’m overreacting when I get upset that he still hasn’t done the thing I’ve asked for. He says he’s a feminist but when a beautiful blonde woman comes on TV, he makes a comment about her intelligence.
When therapy speak becomes emotional manipulation
There's a particular kind of disorientation that occurs when someone's public values are so profoundly inconsistent with their private behavior. A person may cultivate an identity rooted in kindness, equality, compassion, and emotional awareness, yet struggle to practice those values in their closest relationships.
Psychologists have studied a phenomenon called communal narcissism, in which people derive a sense of superiority from seeing themselves as exceptionally caring, generous, or morally virtuous. In a 2012 study, Gebauer and colleagues explored how narcissistic self-perceptions can manifest through these seemingly prosocial qualities.
Of course, not everyone who presents themselves as compassionate or feminist while behaving inconsistently is narcissistic. But the concept raises an interesting question: What happens when someone's identity as a good person becomes more important to them than the actual experience of the people closest to them?
Consider someone who describes themselves as emotionally evolved because they understand attachment theory, yet consistently withdraws from difficult conversations. When their partner expresses distress, rather than becoming curious about their contribution to the dynamic, they dismiss the concern as evidence of an anxious attachment style.
Suddenly, the language that was supposed to help two people understand one another becomes a convenient way to locate the problem entirely within one person.
Attachment theory can help us understand relational patterns. It was never intended to absolve us of responsibility for how we treat other people.
Not every inconsistency between someone's words and actions constitutes emotional abuse. People can be emotionally immature, avoidant, defensive, or simply struggling to live up to their values.
But when someone repeatedly dismisses a partner's reality, uses psychological language to undermine their concerns, or makes promises of change without meaningful follow-through, the consequences can be significant.
Why emotional manipulation can be so confusing
Over time, a person may begin to question their own judgment. They may spend increasingly more energy trying to understand the relationship, anticipating their partner's reactions, or searching for the right words to finally be heard.
When moments of tenderness and reassurance alternate with repeated disappointment, it can become particularly difficult to recognize the pattern clearly or decide what to do about it.
I think sometimes these men are just looking for women who will eagerly throw them a parade for naming their emotions. For taking care of their own children. For tolerating their mood swings. For not raping them. Men know how low the bar is because we tell them our horror stories all the time. “Men are the worst,“ we commiserate in the beginning. We laugh and cringe with them, meanwhile they are doing silent calculations on how their behavior compares to our worst stories. “Just to play devil’s advocate…” they say. Devil’s advocate, indeed.
What is more sinister and insidious to me is the impact I see this having on the women around me. The overarching statement on repeat is: “I’m supposed to be with one of the good ones. So, why am I so exhausted, angry and confused? Why don’t I have the desire to have sex with him anymore? Why am I feeling withdrawn? Why do I feel like I’m going crazy?’ Pages of journaling, hours spent mood boarding, manifesting and meditating, pouring over the evidence in therapy. The sheer mental toll of doing all the emotional labor for both parties to keep the ship afloat. All to figure something out that may have been constructed to be confusing.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline identifies repeated dismissal, manipulation, humiliation, and questioning of a partner's reality as potential features of emotional abuse. When these behaviors form a pattern, they can gradually undermine a person's confidence in their own perceptions and judgment.
Of course, not every disappointing relationship is abusive, and not every person who struggles with accountability is deliberately manipulative. But when someone repeatedly leaves you questioning your reality, it's worth paying attention to the pattern rather than continuing to search for the perfect explanation for their behavior.
Unfortuntely, as long knowledge is a free resource, there will be people and structures on this earth who will harness it to control others. It took corporate America no time to capitalize on the en vogue values of self care and anti-racism. This wasn’t because corporations suddenly grew consciences, it was to continue to stay relevant and ultimately, remain in power. The patriarchy is no different.
How to recognize performative emotional intelligence
So how do we use our discernment skills to make good choices about who to trust with our most tender parts?
How can we tell the difference between someone who is genuinely invested in emotional growth and someone who simply knows how to perform it?
It's rarely about whether someone uses therapy language. It's about what happens when that language is put to the test.
Consider the following questions:
Do their apologies lead to behavioral change? Someone may understand the importance of accountability and still repeatedly engage in the same hurtful behavior.
Do they use psychological language to dismiss your feelings? Calling a partner "anxiously attached," "triggered," or "emotionally dysregulated" can become a way of avoiding the substance of their concerns.
Can they tolerate being held accountable? Genuine emotional maturity includes the ability to hear uncomfortable feedback without immediately becoming defensive or shifting blame.
Do they respect boundaries that inconvenience them? It's easy to support boundaries in theory. It's harder when someone else's boundary means not getting what we want.
Is emotional labor shared? Knowing how to name emotions doesn't necessarily mean someone is willing to participate equally in the work of maintaining a relationship.
None of these behaviors, in isolation, proves that someone is intentionally manipulating their partner. But patterns matter.
Rather than asking whether someone knows the language of emotional intelligence, we might ask whether their behavior consistently reflects the values they claim to hold.
What genuine emotional accountability looks like
The American Psychological Association's guidelines for working with boys and men recognize that masculine socialization can influence emotional expression, relationships, and attitudes toward seeking help. The work of developing emotional intimacy, then, isn't simply about learning new vocabulary. It can also require challenging deeply ingrained expectations about power, vulnerability, and responsibility.
Here’s the secret I’ve learned from working with so many men in therapy. There are so many decent men, but they never market themselves as such. They are good because they understand that they have harmed, will harm and will continually do their best not to harm and, when they inevitably do harm, they put in the consistent effort required to repair. They take their plight of decency as seriously as anything else they do in their life and they do it with their heads down, focused and humble. They prioritize their partner’s needs and well being and value it on par with their own. They do the work in therapy that is required to continually show up to be a good man despite benefitting from a larger structure that exists to continually disempower women. They understand that no one gets a badge of honor for being a good man because being good is a practice, not a destination that you use to get women. They know that love is more than a feeling, it’s a verb - one that includes unwavering respect and the nurturing and care of their partner’s deepest wounds, insecurities, fears and triggers.
I've written elsewhere about the ways men can struggle to develop emotional intimacy and the consequences of growing up without the freedom to be vulnerable. But learning the language of vulnerability is only part of the work. The harder task is learning how to practice it consistently, especially when our relationships ask us to confront the parts of ourselves we'd rather not see.
And, while this necessary work occurs, women stay safe in community - continually coming back to their truest selves with their most trusted loved ones, sharing wisdom, gaining support, and validating one another’s experiences. We build self-knowledge and unshakable self-worth, bolstered by the knowledge that time will always tell, and once you build self-trust and deep care within yourself, no con man can take that from you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is performative feminism in a relationship?
Performative feminism occurs when someone publicly identifies with feminist values such as equality, respect, and autonomy but does not consistently practice those values in their intimate relationships. The distinction is not whether someone is a perfect feminist, but whether their actions reflect a genuine commitment to equality and accountability.
What is therapy speak, and how can it become manipulative?
Therapy speak refers to psychological language that has entered everyday conversations, including terms like boundaries, triggers, attachment styles, and emotional regulation. While this language can improve communication, it can also be misused to dismiss a partner's feelings, shift blame, or avoid responsibility.
How can I tell the difference between emotional immaturity and emotional manipulation?
Emotional immaturity may involve difficulty regulating emotions, tolerating conflict, or taking responsibility. Emotional manipulation involves behavior that pressures, confuses, or influences another person in ways that undermine their autonomy or judgment. Intent isn't always clear, and the two can overlap. Pay attention to recurring patterns, the impact on you, and whether meaningful change occurs.
Can someone be emotionally intelligent and still be emotionally abusive?
Yes. Understanding psychological concepts or being able to identify emotions does not necessarily mean someone treats others with empathy and respect. Emotional intelligence is not a guarantee of emotional accountability. Repeated patterns of coercion, intimidation, degradation, or control deserve attention regardless of how psychologically sophisticated someone appears.
If you've found yourself questioning your perceptions, carrying the emotional weight of a relationship, or struggling to trust yourself after repeated disappointment, therapy can offer a space to understand these patterns and reconnect with your own needs. I offer individual therapy for adults navigating relational trauma, attachment wounds, and relationship difficulties in New York and New Jersey. Reach out to share your story and find support.
