One way to ward off a couples fight between you and your partner is by using proactive communication before an event that usually causes stress. This event might be as concrete as an upcoming family reunion that you know will trigger you, or simply, the week ahead, as you’ve realized that may arguments in your relationship tend to center around something like division of labor.

Proactive versus reactive communication may seem simple but can be difficult to put into practice. The premise of proactive vs. reactive communication is based off of the age old idea that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When we communicate proactively, it may feel contrived or unnecessary and yet, we have no idea how many potential fights we have prevented by communicating and getting on the same page before you’re both at the end of your rope. Think of it as wearing your mask versus getting treated for COVID. Annoying? Sure. Worth it? Absolutely.

Let’s walk through a scenario.

Say you and your partner have fallen into a pattern where you often initiate doing laundry. For the first three times you don’t seem to mind it, however, you have a particularly hard day at work on and, when you go to start the laundry a fourth time, you make a passive aggressive comment akin to: “Well, I guess its time for me to start the laundry again…*eye roll*” Depending on where your partner is at emotionally, how your relationship is doing in general and what your partner’s predisposition is for agreeableness or conflict avoidance, they may shrug it off, they may internalize it or they may fight back or defense themselves, equally unhelpfully by saying “Yeah well, if I wasn’t working so hard maybe I’d have more time to help!” Boom, a fight ensues.

Let’s now take that same scenario and put it through a proactive communication strategy.

5 Steps For Preventing Your Next Couples Fight

Step 1: Take stock.

Ask yourself: what topics do you and your partner fight about the most? For many relationships, the big ticket items are often: division of labor, intimacy, communication, relationship to kin, parenting, work and finances. Ask yourself: what tends to be your usual gripe as it relates to your big ticket item?

Finish this sentence: What most frustrates me about [big ticket item] is _______________.

Step 2: Think about what would help you feel better or more supported by the above sentence you created.

If you tend to have an avoidant or passive aggressive communication style, these steps might be tricky to move through. For avoidant or passive aggressive folks, we often communicate when things have built up and then we see no choice but to explode or do what the Gottmans call, “kitchen sinking,” meaning, throwing everything but the kitchen sink at the person now that you’ve finally worked up the nerve to say what’s wrong. If you struggle with being overly critical, it may be difficult to pick just one. Give it a try. Make it concrete and specific. Sometimes are needs are concrete like “I need you to initiate doing laundry” or emotional like “I need you to acknowledge more often how much work I do around the house.”

(As the therapist in this scenario I might have even more questions to get more specific: how often do you want that acknowledgment? What would that acknowledgment sound like?)

Step 3: Communicate your expectations before you need to.

With the laundry example it might look like on a random point in your Sunday, before you’re in the heat of the moment and instead when you’re calm and say: “I would feel so supported if you were able to initiate doing laundry this week.” Now, your partner has the option to turn towards (“I’d be happy to!”), turn against (“I’m too busy.”) or do nothing (no response or indication of being heard). Remember, you only have impact on how you ask, but never full control on how they respond. Cue the serenity prayer. Remember, one thing at a time and check your tone. We allll know the difference between “Well, I guess its time for me to start the laundry again…” and “I would feel so supported if….”

Step 4: Ask your partner what you can do that would help.

Maybe your partner needs you to show them how you like the laundry done because, from their perspective, every time they do it, you critique their process (Yep, serving harsh truths today...). Maybe they need some credit for having done it afterwards. Interestingly enough, acknowledgment is the thing that most people seem to need but the least thing that people feel comfortable asking for. Thoughts on this? Comment below.) Now is your opportunity to turn towards, turn against, or do nothing.

Or, maybe your partner doesn’t know what they need or they claim to not need anything. (Skepticism intended.) That’s okay. Sometimes the simple act of asking, or taking an intentional moment to get on the same page is all you need to give one another the benefit of the doubt when things get inevitably tricky again.

Step 5: Make this a regular thing.

Scheduling in some proactive planning or connecting time can be a great way to kick start proactive communication. For couples that always tend to fight around finances, I recommend a recurring meeting where you discuss goals, large upcoming purchases and anything else that usually brings around conflict related to money. For folks that feel disconnected and tend to fight as a means to get connection (yep, that’s a thing), I recommend a recurring date night with no phones or Netflix. These pre-planned meetings can feel contrived at first but it doesn’t have to be an until-the-end-of-time practice.

A note: Don’t just apply this to your romantic relationships!! Proactive communication with family members can also be beneficial and necessary at times.

One more, extremely important note: These strategies are not recommended in relationships with a pattern of abuse and/or dynamic of power and control. If you are struggling in an abusive relationship or are concerned that your relationship may be abusive, different resources and support are out there for you. Please call: 800.799.SAFE (7233) for support.

Do you use proactive communication? Any successes or struggles?

Five Steps To Help Prevent Your Next Couples Fight